My Story-

045Last week, someone I love very much tried to kill themself.  I know all too well the feeling of hopelessness and anguish that  can bring you to that point. When you are surrounded by so much NOTHING that the only one way out= to become nothing.

Just as I know now, oh so importantly, that  IT GETS BETTER. It does.

I decided now is the time to share MY story, my whole story.  About  how I was bullied- not just in High School, or Middle School, but how it started in 2nd grade.  I was 8.  I was different- in my case, I was overweight.  It never mattered that I was sick, and it caused me to gain weight, all people saw was my body. They didn’t see me.  I learned from age 8 that I was  worthless. I learned how to smile through tears. I learned how to hide pain. I learned how to accept  shards of friendship becasue I thought it was all I was deserving of.  It only got worse. Much worse.

Why?  Because I am fat.  I have been fat since I was small because my thyroid went crazy and for reasons I couldn’t have helped, I gained a lot of weight.  I started hiding behind it because it was me. I was the fat girl, and I was worthless. Then as I got older I got other sicknesses that  helped me gain weight. Depression did the rest.

Here is my story:

I came close to ending my life  simply because other people didn’t like what they saw, and I let them make me a victim.  I let my self doubt, and yes, even self hatred spiral me into a pit I nearly didn’t crawl out of.

But, I did crawl out of it.

I made a decision that I was worthy, I was special, I was beautiful.  I deserve to be happy, and I am going to be. I choose to believe in ME.  Not what others see or think or say. I want to lose weight, sure. But even if I don’t lose a pound, I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am not a size or a number on a scale.  I am so much more than that.

And I want to be there, to SHOUT TO EACH AND EVERY OTHER PERSON who is being told they are worthless, pathetic, losers that  You are NOT.  You are a worthy, wonderful gift to this earth and maybe they don’t see it, hell, maybe even YOU don’t see it, but you are!  Love yourself.  YOU deserve it. and if no one else can see it, too bad.

Find someone who does see who you are and how wonderful you are and believe them when they tell you.  Find an ally.  Be an ally to others.  Share our strength.  Share positive words and smiles.  Believe with everything you are that  everyone is beautiful and had worth.

 

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77 Responses to My Story-

  1. Nicole says:

    Hi Ally!

    Like Jay, I am absurdly old and feel my life has gone by in a blink of the eye. I also struggled with weight, self-harm, and bullying. I developed a severe eating disorder and nearly died from suicidal thoughts and self-destructive behaviors. This was long ago, before you were even born, but it has stayed with me though my life even though I worked through it and decided to care for myself, as you are doing. It is so difficult and takes such strength to persevere but you are doing the hard work you need to do to make the kind of life you deserve.

    You wrote something about suicide as a “long-term solution” to a “short-term problem.” That is insightful and profound. Hang onto yourself, my dear, and stay strong and powerful in your committment to your own worth, your own sense of your beautiful self, no matter what life or mean people throw your way. There are no easy answers but there ARE answers.

    I want to thank you for speaking out. I taught middle school for a while in a school with a bullying problem. In fact, the problem was bad enough that an anti-bullying program was put in place. The focus of that program was teaching kids to stand up, to speak out, to help each other and to break the cycle themselves instead of always counting on an adult to intervene. You are doing exactly that and your schoolmates, whether they know it or not, are in your debt.

    Hang in there and hold on. As you have discovered, and are discovering, it does get better and easier all the time.

    With love,
    Nicole

  2. Estefania says:

    Dear Ally
    My heart broke hearing your story! And in some way it makes me think of what my little 9 year old have been living in the past 2 years. It gets me so angry!!! I try to teach my daughter to love herself and to never let anyone make her feel unloved.
    Im so glad that you are happy and so brave!!!
    Keep up the positive attitude, you are an example for children.
    Big hugs from Ecuador/south america

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  4. Hey Ally, found your blog through the article on CNN.

    I’m 40 years old, and was a victim of bullying when I was younger. I’m thankful we had no cell phones or internet in those days. I’m always shocked when I hear of the bullying going beyond the school yard. I give you and your parents major praise for getting you through it all and helping you to persevere.

    At 40 and looking back, I’ll tell you that parents were right in how much your typical bully is perhaps the most insecure person on the planet. Look, they have to rip people like you or I apart to validate themselves on the inside. Their peers who join in are no better.

    This insecurity and lack of compassion carries them in life. Many of the past bullies didn’t go very far in life. They skipped on college, and struggle now to make a living because they focused on the wrong things. People like you or I instead pushed to move on, to grow, to not be the “worthless losers” many claimed we were.

    So here I am, age 40. Senior Interactive Art Director at a major ad agency, recruiters chasing me to leave, making great money and highly respected in my field. I’m happily married to a beautiful woman, I’ve traveled, learned photography, learned cooking from my father, and even DJed in front of 1000 people in my life.

    MY ADVICE TO YOU (and I’m sure others have said this): Learn to ignore the haters, get through High School, then break free and explore this world as you build that higher education and career. Build up yourself on the inside so when you encounter adult-aged bullies, you’ll laugh at their pathetic lives as opposed to feeling down. Also take your compassion to other bully victims, the downtrodden, and others like that. Always be the better person.

    It gets better…believe me. I speak from experience.

  5. Ari says:

    Dear Ally,

    I just wanted to say that this amazing what you are doing. You are so brave and I really respect you :). I have also gone through a lot of bullying since I was young because of my weight. For me, accepting that I’m beautiful and being comfortable in my own skin really helped.

    I am glad you are doing this for everyone bullied all around the world.

    Keep smiling :).

  6. Susan Marie says:

    I love your story and am so proud of you. You should change your website to bravegurl since you should stop that negative self talk even in the web page! Keep up the great and inspiring work you are doing :)

  7. Jessica says:

    Ally, you are such a beautiful girl! Thank you for sharing your story! You are truly an inspiration<3

  8. David says:

    You are BEAUTIFUL.

  9. Shilpa says:

    Dear Ally,

    You are Very Very beautiful…..you have a beautiful heart and wht you are doing is great….:)

    Reading through your post i felt like I was going through it, all those people who bullied you are cowards and have nothing better to do.

    You will achieve great things in life. Continue being an inspiration for so many others and life will definitely get easier and better….
    Be positive and brave.
    live and let live.

    ALL the best to you and everyone out there.

    Shilpa

  10. JD says:

    You are very brave, bright and beautiful. Thank you for sharing this. I was bullied when I was younger and believed I was very ugly. For years, I painfully suffered from self-doubt. 20 years later those bullies ended up becoming the butt of their own superficial jokes: I still see them, they have given up in life, settled for much less, and are generally in a poorer disposition than they thought they would be in now. I’m happy to report that I’m a professional with many options in life. Hoping you continue to use any negative treatment as a way to drive you in the right direction, I would love to continue reading your updates as you progress in life. Best of luck to you.

  11. Sven Berg says:

    Keep up your good work!!

    // greetings from Sweden

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  14. Olga says:

    Hi Ally – Thank you so much for sharing your story. Many others would break under the pressures your experienced. You didn’t. I read a blog that said coal and diamonds are essentially the same thing, they just reacted differently when subjected to pressure. You are a diamond.

    “A diamond is only forged under conditions of heat and pressure, and takes a great deal of time to fully strengthen, but once it has been strengthened it is nearly impervious to damage. It can handle extreme heat, and more pressure. It can handle attacks to its surface and it can handle the hottest fires , and it does all of this without trouble. It is a good thing to seek to be or become diamond, because it means you understand that life will at times be a heavy burden to bear, but you also recognize that you will, in time, overcome these struggles. You are a force of strength and power in a world that often seems overpowering.”

    http://beardsbearsandbrian.blogspot.com/2013/05/oil-coal-and-diamond-lesson-in.html

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  16. kaitlyn says:

    Omgosh i wish i could have been there for you. i wish i could change things for you, change who hurt you. but i couldn’t and every time i see something like this on the internet i think to myself ‘i wish i could have been their friend, been there to stand up for them’ but in reality i’m just like them. i just didn’t go so far. so here i am to say i’m sorry but thank you, thank you for being the support i didn’t have, thank you for being you.
    -Kaitlyn

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